The Joy and Sorrow of Living Authentically: Unmasking Neurodivergence
The COVID-19 pandemic brought with it a great deal of change. Between grief over loss of loved ones and fear of catching the virus to the complete disruption of our ways of life, it left people feeling shaken. However, some positive change began because of this. People were left to their own devices, forced to spend time alone during lockdown, which allowed people to have the time to self-reflect and learn about themselves. Through the power of social media, Google, and getting involved in online communities, a lot of people realized they were perhaps undiagnosed as neurodivergent.
Neurodivergence is a term used to describe when someone’s brain is simply wired differently than what is considered the norm. Usually, this refers to autism and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but it also includes dyslexia (difficulties with writing and reading), dyscalculia (difficulties with math), and other diverse ways of processing. On the flip side, the term “neurotypical” refers to the brain that is considered the norm. Neurodivergent individuals are neurodivergent from birth, and they will continue to be neurodivergent as they grow up. For a variety of reasons, neurodivergent folks may learn to cover up their experiences blend in with the masses, a process called masking.
“Unmasking” describes the act of recognizing that you are engaging in behaviors that allow you to blend in with others, and then doing things in a way that is more authentic to you. Unmasking is not forcing yourself to have certain facial expressions. Unmasking is allowing your body to move as it needs to move instead of smothering the impulse. Unmasking is wearing things that feel comfortable instead of wearing things that are expected. These are just examples, but ultimately, unmasking is allowing yourself to figure out what feels genuine, true, and congruent, and then doing those very things. It takes a lot of courage to unmask, as it takes a lot of courage to go against societal expectations and to undo what we’ve learned to do because it felt safer than being outcasted. Unmasking involves risk, vulnerability, and guts, and it can be a liberating experience.
So why do people mask in the first place, if it hides who they really are?
The Creation of the Mask
When you’re neurodivergent, the chances are good that you’ve grown up with this sense of being Other. It can be hard to do things that seem easy for everyone else, leading to feelings of inadequacy or failure. There may be a disconnect with others, whether it be a disinterest in surface-level interactions, or an eagerness met with indifference or exclusion. The need for the familiar and predictable makes the spontaneity of popularity difficult to achieve. The inability to pay attention or remember things makes it hard to keep up with your peers. The fact that the rest of the world seems to follow different rules or shares a secret that’s forbidden for you to know makes it confusing and unclear as to what’s expected of you.
As mentioned above, with neurodivergence, the wiring in the brain is simply different than those who are neurotypical. By virtue of being different, others’ reactions to it can have devastating consequences when it involves social exclusion and shame. Human beings are wired to need other people. It’s a mechanism that ensured the survival of our ancestors alongside the ability to walk upright and think critically. If we were separated from our group, chances were good we wouldn’t survive for very long, and as such, the brain takes rejection seriously. It literally is a matter of life and death to the brain, and rejection causes the same brain activity as physical pain. We are wired to avoid it at all costs.
So, what do you do when you’re a child that’s trying to avoid the pain of rejection? What do you do when you’re branded as Other and you’re being teased and excluded? You’re likely going to pretend to act like others and hope no one notices. You’re probably going to observe and learn to blend in so people think you are like them. Every word, every step, every motion of the arms, and every microexpression on your face is closely monitored to make sure it is socially acceptable. You learn to ignore the disjointed feeling between your actions and how you feel, because you’re following a script that you discovered works. If people expect you to say certain things, you’re going to echo what they want to hear. If a social situation calls for a certain kind of charm and social grace, you’re going to learn how to inflect your speech and when to smile. When a friend is upset, you may learn how to artificially convey your emotions, so you don’t get branded as “cold and unfeeling” when the opposite is true.
It’s survival. Everyone masks at some point in their lives, but when it’s a constant, day-to-day occurrence, it can get to the point where you’re suffering in silence and may not even know it.
The Cracks in the Mask
Masking, also known as camouflaging, is exhausting. It creates a stress response within the body that in turn leads to depression and anxiety, as well as chronic physical illness. Pretending to be someone you’re not for years takes a huge toll on one’s wellbeing and can even lead to suicidality. You may lose a sense of who you are as a person, and there’s an almost unshakable feeling of being “off.” In addition, loneliness can set in. You could be surrounded by people who care about you, but still feel like an island because these people are only familiar with a version of you that you crafted, or so it feels.
Eventually, the mask starts to crack. Masking began as a survival skill, but it is not one that is sustainable. You can only take so much of this kind of stress before it starts to catch up to you, and you notice things getting harder. Perhaps you’re not as good at your job or your grades are falling. Maybe you don’t have the endurance you’ve developed in order to handle the sensory nightmare that is the bar. Maybe you’re starting to cancel plans with friends because you do not have the energy to be social and put the mask back on. You find yourself at an exhaustion point that I like to call “soul tired.” If you’re undiagnosed as neurodivergent, you may not know why this is happening, but all you know is that the fear of rejection you’ve been running from your entire life is starting to catch up to you.
The Joys of Unmasking: The Healing Begins
A silver lining of this devastation is that it clears away what wasn’t working and allows you to form something new. When the mask cracks, you’re suddenly left to deal with all of this, and that’s when people usually start seeking out therapy or start researching questions. Nowadays, a lot of people discover they’re neurodivergent thanks to social media when they start relating to things a little too well. Others may have heard about being neurodivergent from friends or family. For some, it’s a slow process of acceptance, as it can involve redefining your identity and overcoming the assumptions of stigma. For others, it’s a sudden tidal wave of understanding that provides a freeing feeling.
When you discover you’re neurodivergent, so many unspoken questions are answered, and for many people, that’s when the healing really begins. It can bring a sense of euphoria and pride. It can bring a sense of relief as it really sinks in that you’re not actually broken. Of course things have been hard, you’ve been trying to follow societal rules that weren’t written with you in mind. Of course you’re exhausted, you’ve been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Discovering the presence of neurodivergence in your narrative allows you to not only rewrite your story from an entirely new perspective, but it also opens the path for self-compassion and making accommodations for yourself. As you understand the way your brain works, it’s easier to be gentle with yourself and do things differently so that you’re working with yourself instead of against yourself. When you discover you’re neurodivergent, it suddenly becomes more okay to let the mask fall away.
Discovering Authenticity
When you decide to let the mask fall away and embrace who you are, you’re faced with several tasks. One task is identifying what is and isn’t a mask. If you’ve masked since you were a child, this can be challenging, as your responses are so ingrained that it’s hard to tell what’s genuine and what’s learned. Think about times when you’ve felt authentically you, when you weren’t monitoring yourself constantly, rather letting glimpses of yourself slip past unfiltered. Perhaps it’s when a joke caught you off guard, or you got really excited about a passion of yours. Maybe it’s a time when you felt unbridled anger or panic. The uncomfortable emotions can be clues to who you are just as much as the comfortable ones, as they can shed light on what’s important to you. Maybe times when you’ve felt authentically you were when you were alone, and no one was there to judge you.
If you have trouble thinking of examples of these moments, you can use the skill of mindfulness to determine what’s authentic and what’s learned. If you’re trying to decide if you genuinely like something or you’ve just learned that you should like it, take a moment to pause and reflect on the two choices in front of you. How does each option make you feel? Do you notice a calm and a clarity, or do you notice a disconnect and a twinge of something feeling off? The calm is usually the authentic self, and the twinge is the mask. Practice following the peace and see where it takes you.
The Sorrows of Unmasking: Moving Through Grief
Another task that people sometimes face when unmasking is letting themselves feel and move through grief. This is grief of what once was or could have been. This is grief over what should have been. You should have been treated with kindness, and you should have been accepted for who you were. There is often a sorrow and a hurt for the inner child that didn’t get to experience the discovery of and embracing of themselves. There is grief for them, and for the time lost to the act of pretending. There is often anger that it happened in the first place, or fury and disbelief that it took so long for someone to notice what was going on.
As you move through these emotions, know that they are okay. They are you honoring and giving voice to the younger version of you that needed to be heard. These feelings of mourning are you recognizing the cost of masking, allowing this younger version of you to finally be seen and validated. This grief is often needed for acceptance of what happened, so that you can firmly be in the present and move forward with intention. It’s important to remember when doing this work that acceptance does not mean approval of what happened, but rather it is a settled feeling when you think of it being part of your story.
The Next Chapter
With the start of a new chapter, the old one is completed. When you decide to take off the mask and start following your inner joy, you’re embarking upon a journey of self-discovery. New definitions of you are being written. New tales are going to be told. You decide what to bring with you into the next story. This also means you decide what you’re going to let fall away and leave behind.
When you radically redefine yourself, many things will change as you realize what you are and are not okay with, from something as simple as your fashion sense to something as serious as relationships. Those that only knew your mask may fall to the wayside, making room for those that see you for you. You may find the way you think and feel change as well as you becoming kinder and more accepting of yourself. You may discover that you’re better suited for different careers, or that you need to break some of the arbitrary rules and do things in a different way that makes sense for you.
Get creative! Have fun with it. But most importantly, be kind to yourself. Unmasking is a process, regardless of whether it was a steady crumbling or a sudden upheaval. You’re going to have times when it’s easy to identify and celebrate yourself. You’re also going to have times when old bruises sting or the way forward isn’t clear. Go slowly if you need to and get curious about the discomfort. If you need to get into the habit of unmasking, make it your goal to allow yourself one affirming action a week, be it talking about your special interest or discovering a new way of doing things.
Go at your own pace and don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is not an easy task to tackle alone. Seek out people who have similar experiences, or at least people who you feel comfortable not masking around. Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a therapist, either. There are online communities to turn to and share experiences with, such as NeuroClastic and The Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. In addition, a book that’s a powerful resource is "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price, PhD. Go about this process in a way that is intentional, meaningful, feels right for you, and stay connected with others. After all, it’s only through neurodiverse voices being heard that others have started to understand.
